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| Today.
I have done.
Nothing.
Nothing at all.
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I feel left out
I try my best. Yet its never good enough.
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| (I'm writing this on here so not to be bothered about the swearing issues)
Nathalie,
I am sorry about the way I behaved earlier, and the way I treated you,
the way I dis-respected you and the way I did not realise that I was
hurting you.
I guess that I did it because I was fustrated, because of all the
things that are going on at the moment, stuff I dont really want to
worry you about. I've been having a few problems at home and school and
the whole 9/11 anniversary of my friend dying..which nobody even
remembered and my moms death anniversary(1yr) is soon, and other
related crap etc etc, but nothing that can't be solved, or nothing I
can't deal with or ignore. So please don't worry.
I'm still quite angry/fustrated and I know that I dont deserve your
friendship because I'm a bastard to you, and you don't deserve someone
to be like that to you, so sometimes I think it would be better if I
just left you, so that I wouldn't cause you any pain, sorrow or
discomfort.
I know I'm going to end up causing you more pain, and stress. So maybe
we should talk to each other less, and just like drift apart, that way
it will be easier, because I don't want to hurt you, and dont want to
burden you with any of my problems, because you deserve way better.And
maybe if we talk to each other less, I won't upset you with all my
meaness and fucked up ways, and then you'll find someone else, who'll
treat you right. I think ending our relationship is the only way
foward, Nathalie..I'm a screw up..you may not realise it yet, but
everyone predicted, everyone is telling me i'm going to screw up and I
can already feel myself crumbling..and I dont want you in the way to
get hurt, I just want you to be unaffected and to live your life,
instead of worrying about mine.
Although nobody will love you as much as I do, there will be people out
there who actually treat you with respect you deserve,acknowledge the
true value of your friendship, and who treat you with kindness.
Something I don't do enough of.
I'm sorry, I really am, I don't want to upset you anymore..
I love you x x x
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| ...WHY CANT PEOPLE STOP BITCHING AND JUST GET ALONG *sobs*
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| Sometimes, actually not sometimes, I always wonder why you are friends
with me, why you put up with me, I'm a complete ass, a bastard at
times; yet your pretty little eyes see past that, and I don't know why.
You pick out the small good things I've done for you and keep them
close to you and use them to reassure yourself, that I am infact a good
nice person. Or maybe your just a very forgiving person, and forgive me
for all the times I have been an ass to you..maybe. You never get
angry, and that sometimes fustrates me, because I have never met a
person that is like that, at all, I'm used to my family shouting abuse
at me or some of my friends telling me to put a sock in it if I'm being
a bastard to them, but not you, you take it all in your stride and
never retaliate, which is very strange to me. But one thing I am
certain about is that I am extremly lucky to have a friend as great as
you, because I know I don't deserve you, but for as long as you'll stay
my friend, I shall always value our friendship. Sometimes I wish I
could speak the utter and complete truth to you, sometimes I wish I
could tell you that everything will be alright, and that you'll never
get hurt and sometimes I wish I could hold you close to me and never
let you go so that the world and everything in it will never harm you
ever. but I can't. I'm scared, all the time but I always hide it to
everyone, through my loud attention seeking ways, I'm scared of failure
and I'm scared of what will happen to me, the future and what people
think of me. But around you, I am never ever scared, and I feel a sense
of security and trust, complete trust that I have never felt in anyone
else.
But to be honest...what I'm most scared of is my past.
Why?...I'm scared of the past re-accuring, I'm scared of what I have to
live up to, and I'm scared of having to go back and re-trace the past.
But nobody ever knows that, everyone thinks I have forgotten, or
healed, and everyone thinks I am going to live up to the
'expections'...but I know I'm not, and I know that so far in my life I
have bluffed and lied my way through...but soon I'll be caught out.
I want to run away to Hong Kong and stay in your house forever because
I know that is the only place I will feel safe..ever, and for many
reasons.
But mainly because I know that you will care for me, and never judge me
and never want me to be anything more than what I am...which is what I
love about you, and I wouldn't want you to change ever, not even for
the world. I want you to stay the Nathalie that I know and love...and
that I will always love.
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